In 10 Minutes, We Struck Gold

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Six months ago, a parent walked into my office for parent EMDR. Their kid was angry, explosive, sometimes violent. Every day felt like a battle.

And underneath all the surface chaos, this parent carried a painful belief:

“I’m a bad parent.” And even worse: “I don’t deserve to be happy.”

That second one? It didn’t come from parenting. It predated their child, coming from this parent’s own childhood — a long, cruel history that taught them happiness was a fluke and safety was conditional. Love had to be earned, and it never lasted long.

Because of these deep-seated wounds, even when they were straight up MOVING MOUNTAINS as a parent and breaking the cycle of generational trauma, this parent couldn’t take credit for it. This parent was reporting less yelling, more connection, fewer meltdowns, and with that, a 180 degree change in her child. But they would attribute these wins to anything but their own hard work. They’d say things like: “I’m not really parenting them that differently.” 

Dear reader: This parent was parenting their child differently. They just couldn’t see it yet.

(Quick note: I only saw their kid once, during a single parent-child session the week before the breakthrough I’m about to tell you about. This wasn’t a story of child therapy. This was a story of parent healing.)

Last week, we sat down for another EMDR session. Ten minutes in, something incredible happened.

During a set of bilateral stimulation, the parent saw it: A brick wall. Solid, looming, unyielding. Etched across it: “You don’t deserve to be happy.”

I asked them to imagine breaking it down. Tears started streaming down their face. They described tearing that wall apart—and behind it, an open field. This parent saw themself there with their child as a baby. Both of them were happy. Safe. Together.

I call this moment “striking gold.” I felt it in my gut. I leaned forward and whispered: “We struck gold. Keep going.” And we got back to work.

That’s when it clicked. They realized:

No, they can’t go back and rewrite the past.They can’t magically redo the early years with their child. But they can build something beautiful now. They can start bonding, for real. And it’s not too late.

That old belief—“I’m a bad parent”—doesn’t feel as true anymore. This parent is starting to say something new: “I think I might be a good enough parent.” (Cue the tears.)

After that session, I walked out of my office floating. This is what I’m here to do — not behavior management, not sticker charts, but that deep work that gets to the roots of a family’s struggles. Soul work. Nervous system work. Legacy work.

I love working with angry, explosive kids. But what I’ve learned is this: So many of them are being raised by parents with bruised egos, battered hearts, and a quiet, aching shame that they’re failing their kids. And the harder they cling to that shame, the more stuck the whole family stays.

But when a parent heals—even just a little—everything starts to shift.

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If you saw yourself in this story—if your kid is struggling and you secretly wonder whether you’re the problem—please listen closely:

You are not a bad parent. You are a hurting one. And people who are hurting don’t need to be punished. They need to be held. Seen. Helped.

If you’re ready to break down your own brick wall, I’d be honored to walk with you. Click here to learn more about this magic.

And if you know a parent who needs this story? Please, forward it along.

Let’s heal some generational sh*t.

With warmth and fire,

Dr. Stephanie