New Year, New Neural Pathways

This blogpost was originally published in 2024 in my weekly newsletter. I think it's an oldie, but a goodie. To have more musings like this delivered straight to your inbox, click this link to sign up!

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Happy (belated) New Year!

I promise, this isn't a "new years resolution" post. It is, however, a post about steps I'm taking in my personal life to change behaviors that aren't serving me. As an ADHD'r, the concept of breaking or forming new habits is one that elicits a sea of frustrating memories, and shame about current behaviors that I seem to do without thinking…or worse, behaviors that I do while fully aware of the negative consequences. We're all human here, so I'll put my cards on the table:

• Foregoing the gym when I have too much work

• Maintaining a cluttered living and work space…especially closets

• Playing games on my phone instead of doing other important adulting tasks, like laundry and cooking

For those of us with ADHD, habits are especially challenging when they require sustained mental effort, or require us to engage in non-preferred tasks. However, after spending the last quarter of 2023 constantly reflecting on self-sabotaging behaviors that I was ready to let go of, I explored possible mindset shifts that might facilitate the process.

Thus, my mantra for 2024 is: "new neural pathways." The language is important here because of the impact on my motivation. As I gave myself permission to eschew words or phrases like "new years resolution" or "habits," I allowed a more positive association to emerge. The phrase "new neural pathways" gives me an important reminder about neuroplasticity, which you can read about in this Healthline article. Essentially, neuroplasticity is the brain's magical ability to adapt and change as a result of new experiences.

The idea of forming a new habit to replace an old one reminded me of the countless images I've seen of well-meaning habit trackers that allow a person to track a behavior for the 9 million days/repetitions required to become truly habitual. Okay…I'm clearly exaggerating…but you get the idea. If you're anything like me, you might have one or two hidden in a drawer somewhere, abandoned after week two.

Giving myself permission to pause and reflect on this issue not only allowed for a more digestible definition of what I'm actually trying to do, but it made way for this very imperfect road map to what I hope will be a year of less self-sabotage. The road map looks something like this:

1. What do I want?

2. Why do I want it?

3. What will this require of me?

4. What supports do I need to keep this going?

I'm not tracking these new habits like keeping a regular gym schedule, tidying up, and limiting time on my phone. I instead mindfully catch myself when I slip into the self-sabotage, pause, breathe, whisper to myself "new neural pathways" and redirect myself to engage in the behavior that serves me (getting ready for the gym, putting away my toiletries in their designated spot, closing the very tempting game on my phone). It doesn't work every time, and that's okay. Allowing myself to be limber in this process will hopefully reduce the feelings of shame that inevitably arise when I slip. 

So what does this have to do with parenting? This isn't about giving you tools so that you can teach your child how to build better habits. We'll actually get more bang for our buck here if this serves as an invitation for you to consider parenting habits that no longer serve you, or might be getting in the way of your family's progress. Here are some common parenting habits that I see hindering the healing connection that angry kids need in order to self-regulate:

• Yelling–in all shapes and forms–when there isn't an emergency. This is the hardest and perhaps most important automatic response that I see holding families back when it comes to truly making progress in therapy. 

• Neglecting basic biological needs such as sleep and exercise. I get it. There aren't enough hours in the day for parenting and taking care of oneself. Sadly, hiring the best therapist in the world (like yours truly) will still be an act of futility if you are parenting from a state of constant exhaustion. 

• Intervening or over-correcting when there isn't an emergency or safety concern. This automatic behavior was really hard for me to rewire in my work with hyperactive kids who were prone to making mistakes or behaving in ways that weren't socially appropriate. 

Here's the rub. Changing any automatic behavior (especially if it has roots in your own childhood trauma) is going to be an exhausting endeavor. But I promise, it pays dividends. As you set the intention, ask yourself the key questions:

1. What do I want? (probably for your child to be less angry)

2. Why do I want it? (probably because it's having a ripple effect throughout the house)

3. What will this require of me? (to respond differently by doing less of <insert automatic behavior>)

4. What supports do I need to keep this going? (self-compassion, mindful awareness, etc.)

What are some new neural pathways you're hoping to strengthen as part of your parenting and your sanity?