Perfectionistic parenting

So, I love Zumba. There’s nothing like dancing to Shakira for an hour and getting to call that exercise. The thing is, I have a lot of physical limitations, and that gets really frustrating because I end up giving a lousy Zumba performance that makes me feel like I’ve dishonored Shakira herself. Add on this micro-aggressive voice in my head that tells me that I should be naturally good at Zumba because I’m Latina (and half Colombian to boot), and I can struggle to stay in the moment in a class. 

And one day, while I was trying to let go of this desire to put on a performance worthy of the Superbowl halftime show (...at my local gym at 1pm on a Tuesday…), I started to think about the many parents who also hold themselves to impossibly high standards. How many parents are left feeling inevitably defeated by the pressure to be perfect — and the expectation that this parenting perfection will just come “naturally?” In my experience, the answer is that not only do a lot of parents feel that way; but this pressure to be perfect ends up negatively impacting their parenting. 

For perfectionistic parents, trusting their gut is a huge struggle. I see these parents second guess their instincts, or worse, not have any relationship with said instincts. Often, they're not trusting their gut because they’re trusting other people’s opinions and judgements of their situation more than they trust themselves.

That lack of self-trust can be for many reasons… Let’s be real — some parents don't have the best instincts. But it begs the question: is it because they're inherently bad parents, or is it because they've been socialized to be perfect and, as a result, are constantly second-guessing themselves? 

This rigid perfectionism can also get in the way of nurturing a deeper connection with your kid, because it stops you from being truly present or in the moment. I see a lot of these parents tend to avoid messy, spontaneous play because it doesn't fit their high and narrow standards. They're so focused on having everything just right. And while they're nailing the big Instagrammable vacation, they're missing out on valuable bonding moments.  

Sometimes I’ll ask these parents, “When was the last time you had a sword fight with your kid? Or when was the last time you engaged in messy play?” And the truth is — this kind of playful connection doesn't feel safe for them. It's not that they don't want to do it. I can tell it just doesn't feel comfortable or safe. On an unconscious level, it sometimes feels too vulnerable.  

And on top of all of that, the pressure to be perfect robs parents of the opportunity to model imperfection for their kid. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s important that children see their adults be kind to themselves in the wake of a mess-up, lest they end up adopting this same harsh perfectionist attitude themself!

Which brings me to my next question — what happens with children who are raised by perfectionists?

Generally, children of perfectionists can fall on two sides of a spectrum.

On one end, there’s the children that I see — children who struggle against the rigid, unrealistic perfectionism of their parents, who push all the buttons that make their parents end up feeling like a total failure. Maybe as a result, parents will respond to this defiance by doubling down on their high standards, often out of well-intentioned fears that their rambunctious 7 year old is on the fast track to a life in prison. And so the cycle continues! 

On the other end are the children that I don’t usually see (but who are often siblings to my clients). These are the Type A children who’ve taken on the high standards and people-pleasing impulses of their parent(s). This kid is often complimented & positively reinforced for how “easy” they are… And so they shrink themselves. As I might write about in a later post, these kids seem perfect in childhood, but can be a people-pleasing ticking time-bombs in adulthood. Dare I say: being a doormat wears on you. 

Obviously, this defiant/compliant binary is just that — a binary that reduces all the messy in-betweens. But my point is that, at both ends of the spectrum, we can see how perfectionism creates toxic expectations that do children, and the parent-child relationship as a whole, a massive disservice.

I imagine that, for parents who see themselves in what I’ve described, reading this could paradoxically be triggering your perfectionism. I understand that. But don’t worry — despite what it might’ve felt like while reading this, your child’s school’s PTA is not organizing a tribunal to determine your many crimes against Perfect Parenting. This is just an invitation to start embracing “good enough” in your parenting. So, if you’re leaving this feeling like you’ve made some mistakes in your parenting — GREAT!

Remember: being present and engaged is more important than being perfect. Your teen doesn't need a flawless parent; they need one who is authentic, loving, and supportive. To paraphrase comedian and all-around-bad-b*tch Ali Wong, "The most important part of being a [parent] is just being there."